Dear world,
I'm 100% sure that I married Superman. I know lots of women who have married superheros. The fantasy is, the superhero swoops in and saves the damsel in distress; however, these damsels are not superhero-wife material. Damsels are beautiful, yes, but they cannot take care of themselves, and they are needy, whiny, and self-centered. If the superhero-damsel relationship were to result in marriage, Superman would have to carry a beeper, two cell phones, a hammer, and the business card for 1-800-flowers on his belt: all tools for comforting and pampering the damsel while the Mr. is away at work. Furthermore, Superman would be so busy fixing the sink, listening attentively to the damsel's gossip, helping the damsel with her poodle's shampoo, cooking a South-Beach diet lunch for the damsel, etc. that Superman would have no time for work!! But, but, but, the world NEEDS superheros, now more than ever, so Superman must continue to work. Therefore, in order for Superman's valuable work to continue and his marriage to be successful, the "damsel" must not actually be a damsel. She must be one who can fix her own sink, paint her own nails, and keep her own company. So, because the world is full of damsels, I spend my days repairing my own appliances, twisting my own barbed wire, drawing my own baths, and holding my own. Superman does all of these things better than I do when he is home, but I take over them myself when he is off saving the world and damsels in distress (damsels in distress include wheat fields in need of harvesting, ranchers in need of hay, and baby calves in need of birthing). My Superman is so wonderful, smart, talented, and handsome; so much so that all those attributes cannot be wasted on just little old me. A man this great must be shared with the whole world, because it would not be fair to keep him all to myself. So I say to the world, on behalf of superhero's wives everywhere, YOU'RE WELCOME.
Love,
DCM
